What to Wear To Funeral: 7 Rules of Thumb

" What should I wear to the funeral?" This is a question that I have been asked several times by those preparing to pay their final respects to loved ones.  My answer is always the same.  PERSONALIZE! I challenge inquirers to consider four questions when making their decisions. Who was this person to you?  What did they like?  What did they enjoy?  What did you all enjoy together? My questions are often met with a long silent pause as they are pondered upon.

Throughout history each and every civilization and culture has utilized various colors, fabrics, textures and styles of dress to represent loss, grief, and reverence of and for the deceased.  Traditionally in our American society the color of choice are darks.  However in the sea of blacks, blues, and greys of the services that I attend what stands out most to me are the more personal touches of style worn by those who dare to break free from blacks and truly reflect their relationships with the dearly departed.

In recent times, more and more funeral goers are ditching the cages of black dresses, suits, and ties and opting for a more personalized motif.  Themed funerals have become popularized around the world especially for children and young adults as mourners do their best to remember their innocence. Loved ones of an avid sports fan may opt to wear the jersey of their dearly departed favorite team; children are being carried to eternity on the shoulders of superheroes, young girls are given funerals fit for Barbie and the list goes on.

Some have argued that this expression of creativity is disrespectful to the deceased and their family but it is my opinion that what you wear to the funeral of a loved one says just as much about your connection with that person as your presence there in the first place. For example, law enforcement and military personnel honor their fallen comrades by attending in full uniform but what if your ties with the deceased do not stem from career or military service. What if you all are sports buddies who enjoyed watching the games? Who is to say that you’re wearing a baseball cap that displays the mascot of a mutually loved team is anything less than honorable?

When contemplating what to wear to the funeral of a loved one or anyone for that matter take time to ask yourself the following:
​
1. Who was this person to you?  
2. What did they like?  
3. What did they enjoy?  
4. What did you all enjoy together?

Once you ask yourself these questions take time to remember these 7 Rules of Thumb For Dressing for a Funeral: 

 1. You are NOT the star of the show- yes that’s right, you’ve been upstaged by a dead person.  Time after time I have seen funeral goers make EXTREME efforts to be the center of attention at funerals.  Unfortunately, Me-Ma’s funeral is not your 15 mins of fame so leave the ego at the door and dress accordingly to the occasion and try and represent your relationship with subtle touches. 

 2. Be Respectful- make any and all efforts to be as respectful as possible to the deceased and their    family when making your selections.

 3. Consider Time and Place- many services take place inside of churches or other religious/ spiritual sanctuaries.  Keeping this in mind please dress accordingly.  Ladies that may mean wearing a longer skirt or a dress that isn't so low cut in the bust area.  Gentleman that may mean wearing dress shoes and slacks as opposed to jeans and sneakers. The time of the day that the service takes place will also be a factor in making your selections.

4. Beware of the Weather- take a few moments to investigate what the weather will be before planning your outfit.  Nothing is more uncomfortable that being overdressed when it is too hot or under dressed when it is too cold.  Inclement weather could also affect the date, time and location of the service so please keep this in mind.  It also may not be a bad idea to contact the funeral home handling the service of the deceased to ask any questions that you should have.  The funeral service professionals are there to help and should be more than willing to answer any and all of your questions.

5.  Be Clean- The deceased will be clean and so should you. Though you are experiencing a loss it is important to be clean in appearance. Showering, shaving, and personal grooming are a must but especially prior to attending a funeral. More than likely you will be meeting new people and seeing some that you have not seen in a while.  You do not want to offend anyone with unsightliness and body odor.  Also, if you have not worn the suit or dress that you plan to wear in a while taking it to be dry cleaned is not a bad idea.  

6. Be Neat- Whatever you wear makes sure that it fits comfortably and is presentable.  

7. Be Comfortable- Please keep in mind that you may be standing in a line to view the body (if it s present), standing and sitting throughout the service (depending on the type of service) and walking through a cemetery (cemetery=dirt) which may or may not be paved and/ or well maintained.  Whatever you wear please make sure that it fits you comfortably and that you will be comfortable wearing it it for more than 2 hours. Ladies, I would keep a pair of flats handy for maneuvering through the cemetery. Gentleman, shoe covers may be available in the cemetery office.

It is my hope that this article helps someone when making decisions regarding what to wear for paying their respects to a loved one.  As always I am eager to hear from you.  What are your questions? What do you need to know? How can we get this conversation started in our community?